


Anatomy of A Break-Up

by skyearth2512



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aged up characters, Angst, Chenji Break Up, Chenle leaves dream, Growth, Josei Vibes, M/M, They both date other people, Through the Years, Time-Skip, assuming pansexuality, chapter 4 and Jisung meets Chenle again!, chapter 5 is smut smut smut, chapter 6 and 7 - still in Shanghai, chenji in shanghai 2027, chpt 3 - post break up diary, chpt 6 - chenle misses dream, chpt 7 - chenle's response to jisung's diary, chpt 7 makes my heart hurt a little, jisung POV for chapter 3, long story, or at least that everyone lies somewhere on the spectrum, post break up feels, to prevent too much spoilers, updating tags as i update chapter, with A LITTTTTTLE abo dynamic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:48:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26937658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyearth2512/pseuds/skyearth2512
Summary: 2025 - Jisung 23, Chenle 24.They had just spent their 10th summer together. They've Grown Up. Worked Hard. Fought Much.Fell in Love.But during this Autumn, would the way they've always been ---- change?It seems like it was time for a change.
Relationships: Park Jisung & Zhong Chen Le, Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le
Comments: 5
Kudos: 25





	1. I'm So Tired

**Author's Note:**

> The general prompt started from the comment of Chenle's palm reading that said "and [he would] bail eventually" and also me just masochistically enjoying the idea that Chenle would have to leave to China eventually. 
> 
> In the Chinese fandom they always used the word "BE" = "Bad Ending" for their ships. Somehow, I wanted to explore that possibility. 
> 
> Overall, don't take it too seriously it's just fiction with a more grown-up/realistic POV (not all relationships are rainbow and butterflies)

_I'm so tired of love songs, tired of love songs_

_Tired of love songs, tired of love_

_Just wanna go home, wanna go home_

_Wanna go home, whoa_

Oct 10 2025

“Let’s break up” Chenle says flatly and simply, like asking Jisung what he wants for dinner.

Jisung hasn’t even finish placing the snacks he brought for the night down and freezes. He stares into Chenle’s eyes in disbelief.

“What?”

Jisung was excited when Chenle had invited him over to stay the night. He had felt Chenle being a little distant in the last few days, or has it been weeks? Either way, Jisung bought some of his favorite original flavored popcorn and strawberry yogurt drink, hoping to cheer him up and them having a cuddly sleepover. He was not expecting this.

“Are you joking?” Jisung asks again

“No im serious. i think it’s time, don’t you?”

“No! what? what time? what are you talking about? did i do something wrong?”

and for the first time since Jisung came through the door, Chenle drops that steely veneer and softens

“No, you didn’t do anything wrong. It's just….we always knew we couldn’t do this forever. it has to end some day or another, why not today?”

“Wh-wh….what. why today? and why are you saying that?? We said we’ll try this for as long as we can, and as long as we’re happy…are you...unhappy..? Chenle?” Jisung starts stammering as he breath quickens, He can feel the emotions rushing in from after the initial shock.

“i don’t know…” Chenle says truthfully as he watches Jisung’s eyebrows furrow and his eyes dropping lower. The way he looks when he starts feeling incredibly sad like a hurt puppy whose owner is leaving.

Chenle really doesn’t know why he’s been feeling this way. or why he has changed so much. he remembered how simple life was when he first arrived in Korea and how he could find a way to look at the bright side of everything. how he let things go, and was so happy with every little development and schedule. He was confident about himself, his talent and his adoration from everyone around him. Life was easy and it was happy.

Slowly, and he didn’t even know when, it started to change. The words that people used to criticize him started making him question himself. He, who used to be the cheerleader for Jisung, is now getting the same comments back as the worries and insecurities increased. Did he look good, did he sing well, was he only just like that? He started noticing the friendships which were all so nice before had varying degrees of closeness or competition….

Was he growing up? Did he change? He felt like he started becoming more like how Jisung was before, quieter and more doubtful whereas Jisung had started becoming brighter and more confident, attracting everyone from fans to friends alike.

None of this is Jisung’s fault. and Chenle knows how irrational he is being. But when you’re in that dark hole, you hang on to any rock u can cast the blame on. As Jisung becomes brighter and more popular, it felt like a mirror that reflected his change. He started feeling more and more distant with Jisung, and he would even get upset when he felt Jisung trying to cheer him up.

But that wasn’t the main reason for all of that. He could have still stayed, basked in Jisung’s love for him and the kindness he’s always shown, Chenle could allow himself to be selfish that way. and perhaps he would get out of this slump after a few more good sleep and some funny sitcoms…but…

His mother is sick. His father had been asking him for years if he had thoughts of returning back, His aunt and uncles constantly reminding him that family is where u always return to. Korea had been a good place for the start, but one should always return back home. They stress how big the Chinese market was and how this was where he belonged…

Chenle doesn’t know if he wants to stay in this industry...he had done it because it was fun and he enjoyed singing, But lately everything’s a competition, even within the fans or within the groups. Whose sales are better, who’s the top charting person, how many solo bookings do you have, it went from just singing and playing with friends to rules and management and dealing with fights online within the fans over some unintentional comment.

It’s all so exhausting. Chenle missed the time where all he had to do was just focus on just the group with his mom taking care of him in the apartment. When his biggest worry was what to eat next and what game to play. They didn’t tell him about all of that growing up, they talked about the freedom and the things you could now do…but Chenle liked his worldview back then. Black, white and rainbow color -- now it’s just varying shades of grey.

It had reached a point where Chenle just felt, he had to go. He wasn’t being a positive energy that he used to be for the team, he wasn’t being a good boyfriend to Jisung, he wasn’t being a good son to his family…and he needed to just stop. Leave it all behind.

One thing Chenle still prided himself was how he never worried about “his image” or “losing fame” and how he was always good at following through on things once he decided that this was it. No matter what anyone else said.

“I’m leaving.”

“Leaving Where?? Leaving What?? Leaving Who??”

“Korea. SM. Dream. All of it.” Chenle says matter-of-factly again and stares downward. He knew he had decided this and nothing was going to change it but saying it out loud in front of his first love was sending tiny stabs into his heart. The shaking in Jisung’s voice told him that Jisung was about to cry…

But instead, Jisung grabs his arms and shouts

“Zhong Chenle! Are you joking right now? You’re the one who said you wanted to do chewing gum at age 50! you said that was your dream! and how can you say all of this to me like that?! You’ve never discussed any of this with me. I tell you everything!! are you joking right now?!!” and Jisung is seething. He squeezes Chenle’s arms so tight that he could feel the fingerprints imprinting onto his fair skin.

“You’re hurting me.” Chenle says as he struggles and Jisung releases his strength a little, unaware at the intensity of his grasp. “People change. things change…..you of all people should know this…”

“Yea. they do. But, i always thought the one thing that wouldn’t was you! I thought that the way we are would be the one thing that stayed the same. I guess i was the idiot in this relationship huh? How long have you been thinking about this????” Jisung voice was calmer now but it had turned into an icy cold breeze, a sound Chenle had almost never heard before and it scared Chenle a little.

It scared Jisung too, the way both of them were speaking to each other right now, almost like strangers or enemies.

“It’s been awhile….” Chenle concedes. and then finally, in an attempt to break the current tension he softens “I’m sorry. I really am. You know im not good at expressing myself…..and I know how I’ve been for the past few weeks. And i know this is sudden. And you deserve more than this, but i promise you. For all of tonight, we can talk about anything and you can ask me anything. I owe this to you”

ahh…there’s the Chenle i know. Jisung thought. the one who thought of others. he eyes soften again, but then the reality of the situation had now hit him again like a train. Chenle is really leaving. they are really breaking up. Jisung was not prepared for that, he don’t think he ever was.

He remembered when they first got together, their fifth summer…..as their first two people magazine shoot had said. That evolving feeling from the joy of finally having a friend, to the starting sprouts of a crush where Jisung had been content just to be by Chenle’s side, to the growing desire to have some of those feelings reciprocated. He had decided in that year before he turned into an adult to face his feelings head on and to his surprise and delight. Chenle had accepted.

They both decided not to think too much about it and about what it might mean for them long term. Surprisingly it was Jisung that suggested to just think of the now. “We’re young. and isn’t youth just about experiencing what life had install together? Figuring things out together? I want to do that with you and noone else. Also isn’t your motto ‘if you never try you never know’? How would you ever know what this could have been?” Jisung had said when Chenle first had doubts.

Chenle simply nodded at that time “Yea. True. We’re happy now…. So let’s just do this until we’re no longer happy anymore” and Jisung thought ah. has it really come to that? Jisung was still happy, its strange that after 5 years of them being together, he would still find Chenle’s actions _the cutest thing everTM_ and would still feel grin uncontrollably as long as they’re together.

Chenle also remembers him saying that. Perhaps when he had said happy then, he had really meant easy. Let’s do this until it’s no longer easy anymore…

and it ain’t easy anymore.


	2. On My Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry but  
> Don't wanna talk, I need a moment before I go
> 
> It's nothing personal  
> I draw the blinds
> 
> They don't need to see me cry  
> 'Cause even if they understand  
> They don't understand

Jisung n Chenle sit on the sofa as they’ve done all those hundreds of times before. Except this time around, instead of the same side of the arm, they’re on the opposite ends. Both with their knees up to their chest, hugging a pillow that acted as a replacement of the warm feeling of each other. 

  
Jisung thought he had a million questions but he literally could not think of anything to say at this moment. All he could blurt out was

“How could you?”

  
“Jisung…” Chenle starts, in that soft voice that Jisung loved. The same voice that would encourage him when he was down or when Chenle knew he screwed up and wanted to appease Jisung.

  
“I know you won’t believe me when i say this.,,,,but i think this is better for you.”

Astonished at the sheer ridiculous of the line Jisung raises his voice again

"How? how would this be good for me. I'm losing both my best friend and my boyfriend with no prior warning. Next, you’re going to say….you did this for me huh? the hell!”

  
“Jisung….you’re tied down by the relationship we have. When you’re with me, you still think you’re shy, or that you can’t make friends easily. I make fun of you all the time but i’ve seen how much you’ve changed. You can be on your own now and you’re confident and bright and funny. You’re used to me being around like a crutch when you’ve been able to run for a long time. Without me, you would finally be able to see the distance you can go.”

  
“No that’s not true. i still need you. i can’t just talk about my fears with anybody. and that’s never going to go away”

“But how do you know you can’t? I'm the only person you know and that you’ve tried anything with. and….you know...sometimes i do wonder....i know you find other people attractive too….especially girls. i sometimes think about why we got together. Was it really attraction or just a deep attachment? Was I just someone safe to shield you from asking another person out? Anyway...a relationship like that would be much easier than what we had anyway.”

Jisung had no response, in that regard Chenle was kind of right. Not that he wanted any other person besides Chenle, but he was very confused about his feelings for a long time because he was almost always only attracted to girls. Chenle said he didn’t feel attraction towards most people but that Jisung might be the only guy he would be with. But to Jisung, he thought that that meant they were fated to be together because they defied all the odds. 

“but....no matter who it is, they wouldn't have what we have.” Jisung said

“how would you know if you never tried?” Chenle responded with his famous motto 

“You want to keep what we have because it's comfortable and safe. but we’re so young, how could we know if that is it? I'm sure, Jisung, that somewhere out there, there could be someone who could make you happier. someone who could love you…

more than me.”

  
in that instance, Jisung lost any words to say. That was enough.

Chenle is giving up. on them.

on their love.

on his own heart. 

  
“fine. go.” was the only words left. 

*

Chenle was gone within a week. Jisung didn’t go and send him off. He was grateful that he had the anger to fuel him through the week, but when that actual day that he knew Chenle left. He couldn’t help but find a live stream of the plane taking off.

and in that instance the plane disappeared out of the screen, melting with the blue sky, all that buried feelings he had, about losing his first love and best friend just overflowed.

Flashes of their memories, from their innocent chewing gum moments, those long hours in the practice room, post practice habit of sharing ramen at the dorm, all those days jisung went over to chenle's house and he would cook for him, their secret walks in the middle night or all the times they bickered and played on this and that……and the countless kisses and hugs in hidden corners...all of it, all of them would never have a chance to happen again.

And Jisung starts to cry. harder than he ever had in his whole life. Uncontrollable shakes that led him to collapse on the floor, as the memories flood again and again, the different positions they sat in the dorm, the slumping weight on each other during the exhaustng practices, the smell of freshly cooked ramen, and that light scent of milk wafting from Chenle every time they kissed….too much, just too much of his life has had Chenle’s touch. And he…he left, with a sentence and a week...just like that.

Was this a nightmare or was Chenle a ghost? Jisung starts wondering if those memories even really happen in the first place because if they existed, how could he feel so empty right now?

  
That night he drank, Jisung doesn’t like alcohol too much though he would occasionally indulge when Chenle was in the mood. But that night, he desperately wanted to fill that hollowed piece within him, and he wanted the numbess that some liquid poison could bring. And in that intoxicated stupor, he couldn’t help but dial "chen-dol (1000 dollar)"

“sorry the number you have dialed is not available...”

Chenle really did it.

He broke off any last thread with Jisung.

  
Jisung felt his heart completely stop, in that he couldn’t even respond to that anymore, no more tears or thoughts, he just laid down on the floor and stared up at the ceiling,

Feeling the void around him swallow him whole. 


	3. Dancing With Your Ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jisung's letters to Chenle

_Yelling at the sky_

_Screaming at the world_

_Baby, why'd you go away?_

_I'm still your boy_

_Holding on too tight_

_Head up in the Clouds_

_Heaven only knows_

_Where you are now_

_How do I love_

_How do I love again?_

_How do I trust_

_How do I trust again?_

Just like how Jisung was used to writing a diary, he started writing letters to Chenle. He wasn’t ever going to send it or expect Chenle to read it...but somehow being able to address Chenle help alleviate some of the emptiness and anxiety with losing his rock.

Jan 10th 2026

Dear Chenle

The new year came and arrived.

You’ve been gone for 3 months...and I'm starting to come around that you aren’t coming back anymore. I guess you won't be here for my birthday as well. 

I guess...what I'm feeling right now is...

it’s as you said, i should start looking for someone who might love me more.

i'm going to start looking for someone who would love me more

than you.

i’m going to start moving forward now...

April 27 2026

Dear Chenle

I met a girl. i guess you were right in that I was going to move on to a girl. She’s super sweet, the Emma Watson kind of sweet. she’s an idol...but younger than me from a different agency. The way she smiled at me the first time i saw her, and her nervousness when i smiled back…maybe its a little arrogant of me to say so, but i knew she liked me.

i got her number and we started texting. and she’s so sweet, she never gets angry the way you do at little things like when i don’t respond.

she comes and find me even during her busy schedule, and she puts me first and meets up with me the moment i ask, and doesn’t go out and meet her other friends all the time.

for the first time, i feel like i can get all the time and all the attention of somebody.

but why? Chenle? im not as happy as i thought i would be.

didn’t u say if i found someone who love me…more than you did...i would be happier?

did she love me more than you did?

sometimes i wonder if how i'm feeling now was how u felt with me. she almost felt like a mirror of the way i desperately only wanted to be with you.

when i was with you, i thought i was so kind and so patient

and i was always upset that you couldn’t love me the way i loved you

but….maybe i was wrong?

because i can be cold with her too, until it scares me. the way i forget to text her when we have practices or recording for a new song. 

the way i put meeting members over a dinner with her.

it made me realize what an ass i actually am…

and i asked Renjun hyung one day

why? why am i like this? she’s so sweet and nice, and she has never done anything wrong. but sometimes i just forget about her, forget to treat her right, like how she deserves.

and his response was, its not about her, u probably just don’t like her enough…

and then it hit me…..

Chenle, did you like me enough?

or was i the only one being crazy?

Even when I'm with someone who could love me and haven’t heard from you in months

you somehow still find a way to prick my heart….

July 15th 2026

Dear Chenle

I’ve decided on a different approach this time. I met a girl who looks and acts like a cat. she kinda reminds me of you in some sense.

she’s bad. she doesn’t care. and i feel a little bit addicted to her smiles and whenever she responds.

i keep chasing and chasing after her. and when she’s in the mood she response and I'm joyful, and then sometimes i don’t hear from her for days….and i get down.

but ah, at some point I'm fed up.

i like some kind words too, some morale booster, the way you always knew how to whenever i felt down.

i want someone who could tell when i really needed some love.

in that sense, you never let me down.

except that very last time.

when you left me. like that.

October 6th 2026

Dear Chenle

i heard Renjun hyung was going to shanghai for a solo cf promotion. i didn’t ask him anything but i did wonder if he would meet you.

and then i saw the pics, the fan photos of you two coming out from the hotpot restaurant. it was the one we went so many years ago when i first went to shanghai with you.

I felt like i haven’t seen you in decades, but when i first saw those photos, it still hit me how fair and glowing you are even without the idol package....your hair quality looks better, i like that shorter cut on you. you seems to have grown thinner and your cheekbones are still so prominent.

ah, Zhong Chenle, why do you still have to be so…heartbreakingly cute.

I met up with Renjun for dinner the day he came back.

it was so funny because i kept asking about his cf and shanghai schedule

and at some point he just shouted at me

“just ask what you want to. stop going about in circles!”

and i finally got to ask about.

what you’re doing now.

(i guess you started doing business with your family, and you’re doing well. but this was something i was confident that you would, you always did look like a businessman in a suit)

how you were feeling.

(he said you were the same, relax, easy and direct Chenle as we had always known. so i suppose....you made the right choice? you always said that a part of you felt bounded when u were here….and perhaps you did feel freer there)

how your parents were.

(your mom got better and is doing well. im so glad!)

and i guess, the one thing i wanted to ask more than anything was

did u ask about me and…

was there anyone else.

Renjun said you asked how the dream members were doing and he responded to you one by one. n he also said that he told you about sweet idol girl and push-pull cat girl

he said you responded, “ah good for him.”

Was it really good for me, Chenle?

and then he told me that you were vague about anyone else

i guess that’s typical of you

but then he said a really good looking guy came to pick you up

and all i can say with a certainty is

that i do _not_ think “good for you”

all i can think of was you saying that i would be the only guy you would consider being with

and now you so quickly replace me.

how could you, Chenle?

how could you??

Dec 31 2026

A whole year without you...

wonder when that hole will close 

(see how i made a pun...?

kkk...

....what i wouldn't do to just see your -.- face to that again)

i still miss you.

~

and droplets of water fall onto the page. 


	4. Lying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dream performs in Shanghai

_But I'm lyin' when I talk to you_   
_'Cause you're lyin' under someone new_   
_And I'm dyin', wanna tell the truth_   
_I'm not, oh, I'm not, oh, I'm not over you, yeah_

_It hits me right in the chest  
_ _But I still wish you the best_

_Until I see you again_

November 6th 2027

Finally, china lifted their ban and with the popularity that Dream had, they were scheduled to perform in Shanghai. Despite the initial shock and lurch in his stomach every time someone mentioned Shanghai-because it simultaneously reminded him of how happy he was during those moments and the immediate onset of loneliness realizing that his trip companion was not by his side anymore- Jisung felt his heart racing with anticipation.

He was going to step back in that Pudong airport, breathe the same air and see the same scene that Chenle has been seeing the past 2 years.

and perhaps, (hopefully) even see him again?

Even throughout the 2 years without him, and having to grit through those acute moments of loss, Jisung always..always felt grateful for the times he had with Chenle, and how Chenle was his first friend, especially during those early lonely years. 

Could he face him better, as this new Jisung? The Jisung that has gotten stronger even without him. Could they look at each other and be friends now? Jisung thinks he could and he is excited for the possibility of meeting Chenle again, as friends again....the reunion with his first chingu.

As expected, on the first night there, Renjun managed to get Chenle out to eat at a Dongbei cuisine restaurant. As dream alighted and walked through the door, Jisung sees Chenle sitting there in a relaxed cut viscose work shirt, with 2 buttons unbutton and slightly wrinkled collar as though he just took out his tie. He notices the gang and flashes his bright smile, the one that captured Jisung’s heart oh so long ago.

Mark was the first to step inside and arm stretching out, he said “yo Chenle!” and go towards a hug with Chenle. Chenle stands up and gives him a tight hug. “Lee mark!” he says. and as Mark was about to sit beside Chenle, he feels a strong tug on his shoulder and he turns around and sees Jisung stopping him from seating while rushing to pull the chair next to Chenle. Chenle was sitting at the corner and so that was the only seat next to Chenle.

Mark shrugs and then sits opposite of his two maknaes.

“hey!” Jisung smiles brightly.

Chenle taken a tiny bit surprise by the cheeriness, responded in kind. with a big smile “its been awhile, park jisung”

and they had their slightly longer than normal eye contact that was unique to the both of them and smiled.

it was a good meal as dream recounted to Chenle all the stories that happened after he left, and Chenle listens with ease and laughs when it’s funny, even though he wasn’t there to experience it, his response shared all the joy and amusement that his hyungs had when those things happened.

and Jisung, Jisung just keeps looking at Chenle. the way he used to, still not believing that they’re back again, It was as though those 2 years of separation didn’t happen. and Chenle kind of notices it too because at some point he just turns back and says “ya, stop staring at me! Unless...is there something on my face????” and gets a bit flustered.

Jisung laughs at how adorable Chenle is

“No, there’s nothing. I just want to commit you into my memory. You know how bad mine is...”

and Chenle bites down at his lip, and does a little head shake at the way Jisung expresses himself. always so honest, and sometimes a tad bit cheesy. but somehow, still manage to stir his heart.

As the dinner meal winds down, Jisung wasn’t ready to say goodbye, and despite usually being the first person to suggest heading back to the hotel, he suggests cocktails and drinks. The hyungs who were all (except jm) big drinkers, cheered “woo-hoo” with the suggestion and they went to drink.

At the speakeasy Chenle suggested, Jisung downs the various concoctions and his laughter gets more relaxed, until he sees Chenle looking at his phone quite a bit during the drinks. He couldn’t help but asked “who has gotten your attention, Mr Zhong Chenle”

Chenle looks up from his phone, a little flustered and just replies “a friend”

and perhaps the alcohol made Jisung braver because in that instant, he grabbed the phone out from Chenle’s hands and tried to read. It was all in chinese of course so obviously Jisung had no idea what they were saying, but he clicks on the profile pic, and indeed a good-looking guy pops up. he looked the way Seo Kang Joon looked and Jisung immediately felt his mood drop.

“He’s good looking, this friend of yours”

Grabbing his phone back quickly, Chenle simply says “yea..” but Jisung notices the slight softening of the corner of his eyes.

Somehow that made his blood boil and Jisung grabs Chenle’s wrist, “i need to pass you something”

“come back to the hotel with me”

Shocked at the sudden suggestion as well as the intensity of the grab, Chenle shakes the hands off. “what? can’t you just send it to me? or pass it to me tomorrow?”

Chenle was going to their concert tomorrow…He wasn’t sure initially but all the hyungs had basically threatened him that they would cut all ties with him if he didn’t, Then, they threw a bunch of bait at him, saying they had a ticket ready, a special box for him and he could hang out with them backstage, whenever just like old day. They even made a quick ask if he would appear as a special guest, which they knew would make the crowd go wild

but Chenle immediately rejected the ask, insisting he hadn’t practice in a long time but caves into going. It was a free ticket, so why not? he was the president of nctzen anyway. 

“no…its….a little bit embarrassing” Jisung changes his tone, to that sad pouty voice he would use every time he felt a bit wronged.

“besides…you owe me one.” Jisung says and flashes his best puppy dog eyes.

Jisung and Chenle both know its kryptonite to Chenle, and Chenle never says no when Jisung does that.

“ok..ok fine. but i can’t come back with u guys in the same car. i’ll come after you’re back, lemme know your room number and when you guys get back”

and in that moment, Jisung n Chenle exchanged contact again. like long lost friends finding their thread.


	5. Gone Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year! I'm shit at updating because i can't be bothered to proofread, but here's a new chapter anyway (messily). hope you guys like it!

_I fell in love, same time that you're fallin' apart_  
_I should've known, thought I saw a sign in the stars_  
_But I was wrong, fuckin' with you ain't last that long_  
_Now you gone, now you gone, now you gone, girl_

_I_ _just want the love, baby, not the lust (yeah, yeah)_  
_Caught up in a daze, man, I need your trust (peace)_  
_All up in a maze, left you in the dust (yeah)_  
_Gone in a Wraith, see the stars in a Wraith_

_You see the stars in the day (day), bitch_  
_Have you been to Mars on a date (date), bitch?_  
_I can take yo' ass to Mars in a day (day), bitch_  
_I can take yo' ass to Mars today, bitch, yeah_

_I need your love_  
_I need your touch_  
_I need you right now (yeah)_  
_I need you right now (yeah)_

Jisung texts Chenle “I'm back, room 1122”

Chenle laughs a little inside at the room number as he passes through the hotel’s underground carpark to get on the elevator to the floor with the extra key jeno passed him before they left.

He knocks on the door. Before Jisung can fully open the door, he starts complaining

“man, do you know how troubleso—“

but before Chenle could finish his sentence, he feels Jisung grab his arm, pulls him through the door and then throws him against the wall. With both arms on the sides of Chenle’s head, palms flat on the wall, and before even he could say another word, Jisung kisses Chenle.

He presses his lip deep into Chenle’s mouth, like a ravish wolf having his first bite of meat in days.

Chenle is caught by surprise and takes a few seconds to react. He starts pushing Jisung off, but Jisung grabs the fighting arms and slams them back on the wall. He deepens the kiss, and sucks the air out of Chenle as though his own life depended on Chenle’s breath to continue.

Chenle was starting to lose his sanity as he could hardly breathe with the way Jisung was kissing him. But..goddamnnit, Jisung had always been a good kisser and he knew exactly the way Chenle likes it….

Finally after what felt like eternity (and after Jisung felt that he had at least an appetizer) Jisung releases his mouth from Chenle, and all Chenle could do was pant.

That breath was enough for Jisung to grab his arm and throw him on the bed.

“hey…stop…” Chenle tried to resist, but his voice was feeble and weak.

Again, Jisung kneels before Chenle’s lying body, both arms squarely next to Chenle’s head, he licks his lips, ready to continue again, but in that moment with his last shred of conscience he says

“Chenle, this is your last chance to tell me no. because no matter what you say later, im going to go on.”

Chenle is stunned but he can’t seem to get out a word. deep in his heart he knew that he wanted this.

"I'm going to take that as a yes” and then Jisung proceeds to interlocks his finger with Chenle and goes in for a kiss again.

This time, Chenle gives in and returns back the kiss. Feeling heady from the way their body felt with each other. The muscle memory of all their previous intimate nights still etched into each other’s body. As they start to intertwine and the heat starts rising, Jisung starts rashly unbuttoning Chenle’s shirt. as he reaches the end, they hear a phone ring, it was Chenle’s mobile.

Chenle rushes to grab it from his pocket, as Chenle views the number, Jisung notices how quick Chenle’s body stiffens and how his eyes brighten, as though being roused from a drunken stupor into soberness.

Jisung quickly grabs the phone and sees the face he just saw an hour ago appearing, he clenches his teeth

“Didn’t they tell u its rude to answer calls when you’re making love?” Jisung snarls and then proceeds to hangs up the call.

And in the next moment, he swiftly throws it to the corner of the room.

“Shall we continue?” Jisung smirks

Before Chenle can respond, Jisung goes in again for a kiss. Jisung's hands get hastier and rougher as he rips through Chenle clothes and his own (so strong that Chenle was worried that they would actually tear (he only had that set of clothes to go home with). And though Jisung said “making love”, Chenle kept thinking this is anything but that. Jisung was going forward with such force that felt like the rawest form of desire. Jisung can’t stop kissing Chenle, again and again, he presses his lips onto Chenle, as though forbidding him to to speak of any resistance

When he finally enters he bites down hard on Chenle’s neck, it hurts Chenle but it also felt so good

“God you’re still so tight” he growls and Chenle could barely respond through the steady thrusts

“Shut up..and….fuck,,,you’re going to leave a mark if you continue doing that.”

that’s exactly what i want…Jisung thinks but doesn’t say. He hadn’t expect for this trip to turn out this way at all. He thought maybe it’d be a proof he moved on, not that he doesn’t think about Chenle all the time and compare everyone he dates to him. but…he thought he could at least start their friendship back again

However, the moment he could physically see that Chenle might be together with someone else, all rationale thought left his mind as his pure instinct explodes. Every cell in his body demanding that he leave his scent on Chenle and mark him as his own so that other people can’t come close. And even throughout the dinner before, just seeing a glimpse of Chenle collarbones could make his heart race while he unconsciously gulp down saliva. His body was honest and his body craved Chenle like an addict having his drug dangled right in front him.

He needed Chenle. he wanted him. so so bad.

and as his possessive takes over, Jisung demands

“Do i feel good?”

“Shut u- ah...” Chenle cries out, as Jisung hits hard whenever Chenle tries to speak

And eventually Chenle gives up trying to resist and his honest responses fill the room. He really hopes these room are soundproof.

“Your body never lies.” Jisung continues speaking “but still...how could you feel so. damn. good. God! ”

Still, always so talkative…even in bed, Chenle thought but they were cut short as Jisung quickens the pace.

Now they were both in sync, moving to each other's body like a hard and fast rap song

Chenle calls get louder and louder and Jisung breaths gets harder and harder

and with a few additional help from Jisung's large hand

they both reach nirvana.

Jisung collapses on top of Chenle’s body, both of them just heaving heavy breaths against each other. Jisung wraps his arms around Chenle and buries his face into the nook of his shoulder, breathing in the powdery scent of Chenle, he always smelt a bit like baby powder and milk, but now mixed with a body wash that he wasn’t familiar with anymore.

After some rest, Chenle again tries to push Jisung away, this time he was successful as Jisung was spent from the workout before. He starts quickly grabbing his clothes and heads into the shower. Jisung grabs his arm.

“you’re not leaving, are you?”

“yea...i have work tomorrow.”

“stay…” Jisung pleads

“dude” Chenle respond exasperatedly “i only have one set of clothes, i can’t exactly be seen going into the office with the same outfit as yesterday, can I? I wasn’t even suppose to be here. and do this” as Chenle starts to remember what just took place. The regret sets in. He shakes Jisung off quickly and hops into shower.

As he steps out, hair still slightly dripping from only a brief blow-dry. he sees Jisung sitting on the bed in a bathrobe with a book in his hand.

“For you..” he raises his arms towards Chenle n Chenle gingerly takes the book.

“ ….so you really did have something for me. i thought it was just some ruse” Chenle says surprisingly

and then he looks at the first page, and sees with big block korean words, in that distinctly messy handwriting of Jisungs

“Letters to Chenle” it prints boldly.

'Ah..shit' Chenle thinks in his heart but he only manages to say “dude I don't know if i am going to be able to read this”

and Jisung just says, “u can always stay. or call me anytime and i’ll read it together with you” with a slightly flirting tone.

Chenle rolls his eyes “no thanks...but thanks for this anyway” and he quickly grabs his phone on the other side of the room and his other belongings and heads to the door

“see ya” and without turning back, he walks out.

Jisung stares at the closed door for a long time, unable to comprehend what just went down or why he even decided to give those letters to Chenle anyway.

"Fuck” he swears a little as he lay his head back onto the bed.

the image of Chenle’s body against him keeps replaying over and over again.


	6. I.O.U

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shanghai day 2

_Where are you? I'm coming_   
_Stay where you are_   
_Around the frozen alley_   
_Up and down the road to you_

  
_~_

_The old memories flash by_   
_Reminiscence 'bout you and me_   
_You're always the remedy to my exhausted self_   
_Only you, next to me who was frozen_

Chenle leaf through the book on the cab back home. His Korean had gotten rusty from not using much for the past 2 years and it didn’t help that Jisung’s handwriting wasn’t the most legible. But, Chenle saw from the crinkle sides and the certain uneven spots on the pages that unless Jisung sat under a leaking ceiling writing this, there were a few tears shed.

“You owe it to me.” the sentence Jisung said to him kept ringing in his head. Yea….he did…didnt he.

Going back to China without Jisung next to him and having to see Dream move on and get even more popular did hurt. But, Chenle had tried his best to block out any ties that brought him back and buried his face head down at work.

When he met Godfrey as a client on one of his deals, he was immediately drawn to the way his high nose bridge would looked from the side, so similar to the way Jisung’s face was whenever he would be concentrated. Or that he was so tall and tower over him when they talked, almost like the way when he was next to Jisung. Or that he had a galaxy photo as his company logo….all these little things that somehow tied to Jisung (though he was never going to tell Jisung any of that ever.)

As to why Godfrey was drawn to Chenle and started pursuing him, he had no idea. Were there really that many people in this world who liked him? He thought. It’s so strange to Chenle…he was nothing special….if not just a bit less confounding to societal norms and a little too overconfident in himself.

Anyway, Chenle was just a bit touched that Jisung still thought of him after what he had done and he whipped out his translator app and started from page one. Immediately he was taken aback by the diary style writing, most of it pouring out the sadness of the breakup and how Jisung felt wronged .

Ahhh maybe I shouldn’t have started….Chenle thought. Even if it he had asked Jisung to move on….he didn’t want to read about all the people that Jisung dated. He remembered Renjun telling him about the first two girls and that little unease he felt. But what surprised him, was how the diary turned out to almost be like a comedy

Specifically, the entry where Jisung explained how he tried to start a conversation with a new debutee and immediately got shut down

“I heard you have a thing for girls that look a bit like cats. I know I kind of look like one and I think you’re hot but I also heard how you always stop texting back after 2 months or so. I’m not interested”

This actually piqued Jisung’s interest and with his persistence and desire to now be more responsive he actually ended up having a relationship with her. However, eventually, they still ended up breaking up. As per all the previous ones, it was her who suggested it.

“I don’t know if you know this” she had said “but you talk a lot about your ex band mate Chenle and if I had to guess, you might have some feelings for him. Look I don’t judge in this industry butttt I’m not interested in such complications. I still have my career to think about.”

Jisung then continue to lament and blame Chenle on how he had caused a rift in his relationship when he really liked the girl. Even Chenle was kind of rooting for her and respected her thinking (though a small part of Chenle was actually starting to get jealous with how Jisung sounded talking about her). She would go far with that head of hers. Chenle thought.

It was almost 5 in the morning when Chenle finished looking through. He groaned when he looked over at the clock and figured it would be another unproductive day.

But in the complete exhaustion of the day and the roller coaster of emotions that went down, he was really glad he got to know what Jisung was doing during those two years. It helped bridge that long dark silence that was now filled again with the taller’s sometime-ridiculous-but-somehow-always-made-him-laugh musings.

With his last shred of energy, he picks up a pen.

*

The Shanghai concert was a resounding success. Chenle arrived in the midst after the first two songs decked in the most non-Chenle beanie, face mask, sunglasses along with a hoodie. The fans were a lot older than before…it did seem like those young teens that were always there during their comebacks were now long gone. The concert was also a lot more risqué with female dancing and lots of abs or arms showing.

It felt so strange but at the same time so familiar. Chenle couldn’t help but imagine what the scene would be if he was there. His whole family would probably come and support…Would he be embarassed at some of those antics or proud? Probably a bit of both. As he chuckles and cringe, he felt his heart squeeze a little. Perhaps, the hardest part of watching just came from knowing that he would never know. He chose a path that meant he was never going to come back to this stage again.

and Jisung despite having debuted and performed for over 10 years (all while being under 30), still kept his charisma and sharp moves. Still giving his all but now with those damn chiseled arms and still those same washboard abs…

Memories of last night flash before his eyes. Shit. Chenle shakes his head and tries to concentrate on the scenes before him, willing himself to cool down.

Eventually the final ment happens and Jisung starts

“Shanghai is really special to me….” and the crowd screams. They start chanting ‘Igot jogot!’ , despite it being almost 7 years since Jisung last stepped foot here. He feels Jisung eyes drifting to the section where Chenle sits n he wants to unconsciously duck as he prays no-one turns around and wonder who’s there

“i made unforgettable memories here and you’ve left an irreplaceable imprint in my heart”

and with a pause, he then says

“Wo ai ni” he says in Chinese and the crowd goes wild.

Chenle bites his lips as he tries to deciphers how much of the message was for the fans or for him, but he didn’t want to think about it too much. His main concern is how to leave right now. He sneaks out before the final song to avoid the crowd and heads backstage.

As Chenle waits in the waiting room, he again muses at how familiar and how strange this whole backstage scene is. Eventually, the members start trickling back. Again with the warm hugs and the ‘yo! chenle!’s.

Jisung was the last to enter and both of them quickly looked away as they made eye contact but eventually Jisung’s eyes return again. This time around steely and without blinking

“Did you like the concert? Were you watching me? I performed extra hard tonight for you, you know.”

Ugh. there he goes again. That flirt.

“It…..was a good concert” Chenle simply says while trying to avoid his stare. He stays for awhile chatting with the crew but then he realizes that the members have to do their debrief and the typical thank you dinner after the concert. Without missing a beat, he starts to excuse himself and leaves.

But before he can go, Jisung grabs his arms and pulls him close, whispering into his ears

“Can you….come back tonight? I can’t forget last night. The way you looked under me…” and Chenle quickly breaks away and pushes Jisung away.

He sees Jisung with the same smirk he had last night.

“You’re crazy!” Chenle says “I’m leaving…”

“If you don’t promise to come, I’ll kiss you in front of everyone. Right now. “

and Chenle stares back, eyes wide in disbelief. He simply had to look at Jisung’s expression to know it was shouting “I will do it. Just try me.”

He shakes his head in pure surrender, what was he going to do with this little brat.

“Fine.”

Jisung smiles triumphantly and hands him his key “Wait for me..” he says and then he disappears.

Chenle is left again for the second night with a hotel key to a celebrity’s hotel room, wondering if he had become a groupie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not feeling as lazy today so quickly posting this, apologies for spelling and grammar errors!


	7. Up To You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chenle's response to Jisung's diary

_Nobody watching, now I got you all alone  
_ _No interruptions  
_ _It's hard for me to hold my own and hold back  
_ _No cap, no cap_

_Before we do we some things we're 'bout to both regret  
_ _Let's intermission_

~

_Before we hit the road, if you ain't ready to go, oh  
_ _Just tell me that you're sure, you're sure  
_ _'Cause I really want you to stay, but this ain't up to me  
_ _I just want to make sure you're sure_

-

In the hotel room, Chenle again heaves a deep sigh. He can’t believe he’s here again. He briefly looks around and notices that Jisung actually became a lot neater. He had all his clothes neatly folded to the side. Even though it had only been two years, Jisung seemed to have move forward from athletic wear to crisp shirts and soft sweaters that probably cost a tiny fortune. 'Mmm, he is finally spending on himself...' Chenle thinks. 'Good.'

As Chenle reaches into his pocket to find his phone, he realizes that little paper tugging at him. Ah...he should probably pass it to Jisung.

Maybe he knew this was going to happen because he didn’t think to pass it onto Jisung when he was backstage. Just as Chenle was contemplating this, he hears the *knock. knock. knock* of the door.

Chenle freezes for a moment, as he worries if it was a fan or some staff who probably didn’t know he was there.

“It's me.” he hears “I gave you my key, remember?”

'Oh!' Chenle thought, 'that’s right.' and he goes to open the door. As Chenle creates a tiny gap, Jisung rushes in and launches forward with a hug. It was with such force that it caused Chenle to stumble backward.

“Man....I could finally leave. There were so many toast and thank yous. I didn’t know if it was appropriate to stay only for the dinner but there was no way i wanted to stay and do drinks. Hope you didn’t wait too long..” Jisung says while simultaneously snuggling into Chenle. Chenle felt like a wife whose husband came home from a hard day of work and wanted some love. He could smell the scent of baijiu waifing from Jisung. Chenle knows just how strong baijiu can be and he wondered how tipsy the boy in front of him was.

Did he started drinking more or was he still not a big fan of alcohol? Before Chenle could respond, Jisung had somehow moved from snuggling into his chest and neck right to sucking his face. The kiss is definitely a little sloppier than usual, but it still had the same desperation of a hungry man tasting his favorite meal. Jisung wasn’t even going to go for the warm up and goes straight to tearing Chenle’s clothes off.

Chenle tries to struggle a little. Shit. I'm really just here for his pleasure huh. He thinks. But, perhaps, he was getting drunk off Jisung’s alcoholic scent since he seems to be unable to resist Jisung at all.

That night, they again rekindled their memories. Like all those times before, two magnets of opposite ends that could only be drawn to each other. The scent attracting each other like nectar to busy bees. The desire and the heat overwhelming...alongside deep, satisfied cries. 

When both of them collapsed into a panting mess on the bed....Jisung eventually sits up and again, asks Chenle to stay.

"For one last night" he says.

This time around Chenle doesn't refuse. It was a Friday anyway, so there wouldn't be work tomorrow. 

That night, they got to talking a little. Jisung asks sheepishly if Chenle read his diary and while Chenle felt his usual urge to make a joke...he responded honestly.

Jisung though embarrassed, goes on to recount a lot of the same stories to Chenle and his thoughts about it. It was as though a dam had erupted when he got to be near Chenle and he could not stop talking (well, Jisung never could, when Chenle was around anyway). There was something comforting about the way Chenle would listen and always give a response instead of zoning out through the verbage.

In between his own stories, Jisung had also asked lots of questions towards Chenle--about his job, whether he liked it, whether he was eating well and had breakfast in the morning, how was Shanghai during winter, how his parents was doing.....and though not completely enjoying it...who did he see when they were apart. Chenle decided to just be honest about it all. Despite what just went down, a lot of them being together felt like a reunion of two long lost friends and Chenle wanted to shared his thoughts with Jisung.

Just like how they would, all those many years ago. 

Though Jisung face goes into a scorn whenever Chenle mentions godfrey, Jisung still continues to ask. How far have they gone, did he love him, and why did he end up going for another guy despite saying he wouldn’t.

“Who knows why....but, Jisung.....i am not a robot. The heart is attracted to what it's attracted to, and just because I said so....doesn’t mean i have to follow it like a rule you know?

and…..love? I don’t really know....after what we had...It's hard to say if i can really love again...”

and Jisung nods silently. In that sense, it was the same for him. He hasn’t been able to say i love you to anyone else ever since they broke up.

Drunk off the alcohol and their 2 nights together, Jisung blurts out

"Do you want to try again?”

Chenle eyes widen and pauses. Then, he laughs and shakes his head at the incredulity of this boy, “You’re seriously drunk.”

“No…im not! Or maybe i am. but that doesn’t mean i don’t really think that!”

“I don’t think I’ve ever forgotten about you...it's been 2 years, Chenle. And you’re still the only one that makes me feel this way..”

“Ah…Park Jiisung. Don’t u know the rule? It takes half the time u know a person to get over them. For our 8 years, you still have another two to go”

“Two more??! That’s way too long! You need to tide me through those 2 more years of loveless nights!" Jisung starts whining.

"and you’re the one who said that the heart has no rules. What if i don’t forget you after 4 years, or after 10…or forever? Are you really going to leave me like this here?” Jisung says pitifully.

“Ah. seriously. you pabo-ah....

in the end, if you don’t move on from me...

its only because you’re choosing not to....

it has nothing to do with me.”

Jisung pauses and frowns. 

“tsk.”

Unhappy with Chenle’s constant deflection of his affection. 

“Fine....so I guess you don’t ever think of me or us at all then?”

Chenle lets ou a deep sigh. He thought about whether being honest would help or hurt Jisung. But, he decided since it was their last night anyway, he decided to do it for himself.

“Such a stupid a question.

of course i do.

more than i want to.”

*

The next morning, Jisung wakes up and reaches over to cuddle Chenle.

He notices that he’s taking way too long to grasp anything. It makes him leap straight out of bed and look around, holding his breath and hoping that he’d see Chenle in the bathroom or something. 

However, judging by the single pair of shoes at the front, it seems Chenle was long gone.

Jisung breathes out. He can still remember the warmth imprint of Chenle’s body in front of him as he slept, spooning him from behind.

Shit….was that really the last time? Was that really it?

Jisung wished he hadn't drank, just so he could have at least savored every single second of Chenle’s flesh against his.

As he flips back into bed, he sees a letter addressed to him.

It was a surprise to say the least, and he rips it open quickly, smiling through every mispelling he noticed. The korean was quite broken...but as Jisung imagined Chenle's voice saying it...'kiyowo...' escapes his lips. 

And besides, language barriers never stood in their way of understanding each other anyway...

_Dear Jisung,_

_I'm writing this to you because I'm bad at talking. You’re probably not going to understand half of what I'm saying, I’ve forgotten so much Korean. But, then i remember how well we use to communicate even when I didn’t speak a word…so maybe you might get it after all._

_Hmmm how do i start..?? I guess, first, thank you. Thank you for sharing with me about your days and thoughts even when I wasn’t there. To be honest, some of it was uncomfortable to read...but mostly i was glad. Glad that you were still facing your thoughts and feelings head on, and that you’re trying to move forward. In that sense, you’re doing well._

_I noticed a lot of your relationships seems to be connected with me. In one sense, of course I'm flattered...but at the same time, i don’t think it’s fair to the people you’re seeing._

_Every single person is special in their own way. What we had, who i am, how we interact...im sure that it could never be replicated._

_However, because of that, every single person will bring something new and you can experience things you’ve never had before. Give them a chance, give the new feelings and new emotions a chance. Perhaps, you’ll see a brave new world._

_Hopefully, one even brighter than ours._

_When i said, i want you to be happy always…i meant it. Back then, now , and in the future._

_Let me go and let us go. For you._

_from_

_the person who wants you to be happy always,_

_Chenle_

-

Jisung stares and re-reads the message again in silence. Finally, like a pent up balloon deflating, he lets out a breath. All sorts of complicated feelings are stirring inside his heart. On one hand, he couldn’t help but respect Chenle’s magnanimity and wisdom, Jisung could never be so ok with Chenle finding someone else. The “happy always” line was thrown out again and when Jisung remembered how his heart fluttered the first time he heard it, all he could think of at that time was “I will be. If you were always with me”

and now Chenle was asking him to do it, without him. That sly bastard.

But the hardest part was just reading the words 'let go'.

He thought he had, but maybe he didn’t. Maybe secretly, he felt that if he held on to this long enough, they might reunite again. Still holding on to their namesake “destiny couple” or the story of the red threads of fate….

Perhaps, more than all of that, Jisung was afraid. Afraid that if he had moved on, he might forget the way he felt with Chenle next to him. Forget those unbridled happiness and having a companion walking beside him as they grew up together. Forget how their love felt like a cup that kept filling up until it overflowed.

He didn’t want to forget any of it. Not a single moment.

And holding on to what they had, felt like the only way to keep those memories close to his heart.

Could he really just look back and be grateful for the memories even if he was with with someone else?

Is that how Chenle is right now?

He stares again at the empty bed. The shadow of Chenle disappearing before him, nowhere to be found again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. This chapter was a bit painful to write (despite the somewhat happy song as the title)

**Author's Note:**

> Any comments or thoughts are much appreciated!


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